Black Friday Horrors
by Criollo
Summary: Harry decides to take Severus Black Friday Shopping. Severus is traumatized. Rated M for cursing.


A/N: I do not own any part of Harry Potter...Unfortunately. If I did there would be lots of smut, yaoi and "Wands";0 But I Don't TT TT cries in corner Anyway Enjoy! It's mostly just fluff.

* * *

Severus stood in the door-way and smiled gently as Harry made breakfast. It was crazy when he thought it about, how did he, the bat of the dungeons end up with the Boy-Who-Lived? A boy with alluring green eyes and beautiful messy black hair; Severus mused this as he watched Harry bend down to check the oven. 'And_ with a rather attractive back-side...Damn, I could take him right now!' _He thought to himself.

" Sev, love, I meant to tell you this earlier but since it's Black Friday I'd thought we'd go shopping in the muggle world. Loads of stores are having this huge sale and it'd be fun to go with you. Be dressed by six o'clock." Harry said hiding his grin. _'Oh Sev's gonna love this.'_

"And what, pray tell is "Black Friday"? It sounds like a horrid thing with lots of horrid people I don't want to meet. Tell me it's not like that last minute Christmas shopping is it? Besides, I've got an idea for what we can do to pass the time." Severus said smoothly, leering suggestively.

Harry flushed and then used his biggest puppy eyes on Severus. Severus might have been able to resist but Harry was wearing that pink apron with the bunnies and was biting his lip adorably. His emerald eyes wide and pleading...

"Fine, I'll go but if anything happens like the Marcia incident at Christmas, we're leaving and you are not leaving my chambers for a week." Severus snapped before going to sit at the table sulking and pretending like he wasn't.

"Good! I love you Sevvy-poo!" Harry said grinning brightly and planted a kiss on Severus's cheek. Severus grunted in reply.

* * *

Hours later, they were standing in front of the floo; Strangely Severus felt a knot of dread form in his stomach. He had the sneaking feeling he wasn't going to get out of this alive...

As Harry pulled him into the floo, Severus made one last prayer, '_God, Jesus, Merlin, Mother Mary, or Salazar Slytherin please, __**please**__ let me get out of this alive!'_

They stumbled, well, Harry did on the the dusty floor of Hog's Head. Excitedly, Harry tugged Severus through the crowds until they were outside of Diagon Alley and on Charing Cross Road.

* * *

There standing in all it's shiny, silvery glory was a 2016 Veneto Lamborghini. Severus halted abruptly and stared at the metal contraption with suspicion.

"C'mon! What are you waiting for?" Harry said, impatiently, already getting in the driver's seat.

"No. I'm not getting into that metal death contraption. I don't give a damn how expensive or rare it is. Do you know what the death rates on these things are!? Severus sated firmly crossing his arms.

Harry and Severus stared each other down.

"You're serious aren't you?" Harry said disbelief heard clear in his voice. Sighing he leaned against the car and stared levelly at Severus. He loved the man to death to be sure but he could be as stubborn as Hermione on a mission.

"Yes, I'm serious. I won't have my life ended by this..._thing._" Severus hissed indignantly.

"Severus get in the damned car."

"No."

"**_Now."_**

"I will **not."**

"**Severus Tobias Potter-Snape you will get in this car or Merlin help me! You are not the only who knows how to give a good spanking...If you know what's good for you, you WILL step in the fucking car!"** Harry growled his jade eyes darkening several shades.

A couple passing by gasped in shock at what Harry said and awe at the car before scurrying away in fright as Harry aimed his murderous glare towards them. It seemed Severus was rubbing off on him...

Severus gulped subtly and swallowed his dignity before stepping in the car. '_I'm only doing it because I want to.' _he thought to himself as he strapped in the seat-belt. '_Yeah you tell yourself that...But face it, you're whipped.'_ a sarcastic voice that sounded oddly like Lucius said in the back of his head.

Harry smiled as Severus sweetly saying "Now that wasn't so bad was it?"

_'I married a monster..._" Severus thought as he sweat-dropped nervously.

* * *

All of a sudden, Harry slammed down on the brakes and Severus let out a scream as he lurched backward and traveled at what felt like was a million miles per second.

"HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS ; SLOW THE CAR DOWN! I DON"T WANT TO DIE...SO MANY POTIONS NOT CREATED, SO MANY GRYFINNDORS NOT TORMENTED!" Severus yelled tears streaking down his face. He gripped onto the armrest tightly.

Harry just grinned mischievously and drove faster. By the time they were at the mall, Severus was fully and completely traumatized and it took promises of sex, chocolate, and wine to get him out of the car. Severus also made Harry promise to never go that fast again.

A cheerful Harry and a traumatized Potions Master made their way into Sears. And there, Severus saw the horror that was "Black Friday".

* * *

There were people everywhere he looked. Thousands of them maybe millions of them swarming around like ants. Severus wished he'd brought the bug-spray. It was utter bedlam; there were babies crying, people shouting, and these two women were going at it for a pair of Louis Vuitton pumps. Severus winced as the brunet pimp-slapped the blonde and was tackled to the floor by an old lady.

'_I really am going to die...What sort of hell is this?_' he thought forlornly to himself as Harry chatted idly and put random things in the basket.

Time went by slowly for Severus. He was in a terrified comatose daze as Harry led him around everywhere. It was kind of fun if you excluded the screaming girl with pig-tails, stripping home-less man, and the fight between the police and the civilians as they tried to break into GameStop. Oh and let's not forget the fist-fight between husband and wife over a machine. And the cat-fight Harry got into with another gay male named Luke over, Severus still couldn't believe it,_ a Team Tatum t-shirt. _Harry won. But he did push a stand filled with candy on the guy and shout "FREE CANDY!"

Finally,**_finally,_** they were at the check- out. Severus nearly sobbed in happy relief. Then he saw how long the line was. Severus let out a low whimper.

"**_What. The. Fuck."_**was all Severus managed to say, dumb-founded.

"Aww, don't be like that it's not nearly _that _lon- **OHMIGOD** is that an _MLP: Friendship Is Magic Limited Edition back-pack_ complete with figurines from _Equestria Girls and NEVER SEEN BEFORE EPISODES?! _Oh I'm on **_THAT_**biotch!" Harry squealed rushing towards it.

He had to fight with a 6-year old girl for it... Over the years Harry might have gotten a bit more insane.

* * *

"And so, like, Jessica was all like, 'Well he's all mine bitch. So why don't you find yourself another boy toy, hmmm?" a snotty-nosed teen-aged brat of a girl said, flipping her hair back. Severus glared at her.

"Ugh, and you won't believe this, but when I came home from work last week , I found Hank in the bed with that skank Sheila!" a forty-something year-old hag said.

"NO!?" gasped her female companion.

Severus's hand twitched by his side and he resisted the urge to whip out his wand and hex them all.

"Next please!" the cashier called out wearily. Disbelievingly, he looked around and saw that **they **were next. Severus practically skipped to her. Next to him Harry chuckled softly and shook his head lovingly at Severus's antics.

When they were all checked out Severus booked it. Literally. He swung Harry in his arms princess style, tossed the stuff in the basket, and skated off as fast he could, getting yelled at by several mall cops and angry old women.

* * *

"It feels so good to be home... I thought we'd never make it out alive." Severus said as he pulled Harry closer against him.

Harry giggled and snuggled into Severus before saying sleepily " Hmm... Don't forget, tomorrow we're going again."

"**WHAT!" **Severus shouted.

* * *

Sooooo tell me what'd y'all think? Good? Bad? I need reviews please. Oh and flames are welcomed with open arms. I love to read them.


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